No Good Deed

You may have heard the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished.” What it means is those who perform acts of kindness are doomed to have it backfire on them. Last week, there was a Twitter dustup that reminded me of this phrase. Let me start by saying, I’m not commenting on that situation but rather on what it reminded me of.

My daughter was reading this over my shoulder and sighed because she thinks I’m about to advise you not to be kind. She couldn’t be more wrong.

No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That’s my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished…
(Idina Menzel, Stephen Schwartz, 2003)

Years ago, while sitting at my desk, I overheard my boss talking to our telephone rep about the latest calls. Let’s call her “Bailey.” Moments, later Bailey walked out in tears. Concerned, I asked the boss what happened. He said he didn’t know. She just suddenly quit and walked out. About ten minutes later, my phone rang. It was Bailey, asking me if I could bring her things downstairs. When I met her downstairs, she was a wreck. Our boss had a powerful personality, and she became flustered as he asked her questions. She became so nervous she quit though she didn’t mean to. She was at her wit’s end because she didn’t know what to do. I sent her home with a promise that I would talk to him. After some verbal arm twisting, I convinced the boss to let Bailey have her job back. He called and told her to return the next day. She called to thank me for looking out for her. I was happy things worked out.

The next day, Bailey didn’t show for work. Of course, the boss looked at me to find out what happened. I called her and was greeted by a brand new person. Gone was the crying wreck from the day before. Bailey told me she didn’t want the job anymore. She told me she had a better job and she didn’t ask me to do anything for her anyway. She ended the call by saying not to bother her anymore. Well okay! My good deed turned into someone talking trash to me and my boss being angry because the rep never showed. You would think I would say I would never help anyone again. Not at all.

I didn’t help Bailey because I wanted clout or her gratitude. I did it because I honestly just wanted to help, and if she didn’t want my help, that was fine. If you’re upset someone didn’t appreciate your good deed, maybe you should ask yourself your true reasons for helping. Did you do it expecting reciprocity? Did you do it because you wanted to be seen as a good person? Did you do it because you wanted that person to owe you? If you did, maybe it wasn’t such a good deed but a selfish one.

A week later, Bailey called to ask for her job back because things didn’t work out with the “better” job. Too bad we had already replaced her.

Keep Looking

Yesterday as I stood in the shower, thinking about the week ahead, I felt tension entering my shoulders. I looked for some anchor to help me. An image of Sade popped in my head. Bear with me; there’s a history here.

Years ago, I sat in my aunt’s apartment, upset about something I’ve long forgotten. Stronger Than Pride played on the stereo. Song after song played as I cried my heart out in the dark living room. Then this song came on. As I listened to the words, I suddenly stopped crying.

Some will tell you that you’re wrong, you do it all the wrong way
Some will tell you that you’re wrong, that you don’t know the way
They enjoy cheapness, don’t show your weakness
Don’t let them bother you no
They enjoy cheapness, don’t show your weakness
Oh no
It’s no use sitting down, don’t walk ’round with a frown
Oh no keep looking
It’s no use sitting around, with your head in your hands
Oh no keep looking
(Sade, 1988)

In the past thirty-two years, I have returned to this song when I felt the world on my shoulders. So why the return this week? For the past few months, I have been navigating a tense situation. Repeatedly my expertise has been questioned, but this week my intent was questioned. Question my knowledge, and I will invite you to prove me wrong. I am an Aries after all. But to have someone accuse me of acting in bad faith. Whoa!

Now I’m not going to say I told myself to ignore the haters and move forward. While I know how I walk in the world, I know perception is a bitch. So I engaged in some deep self-reflection and acknowledged places where my actions could have landed differently than I expected. The thing is the person said I set out to hurt them. I reflected on every interaction. I thought about the fact that I liked this person and wanted their success. I couldn’t think of anything that could have made them think differently.

In addition to reflecting on my relationship with this person, I reflected on who I was. I rarely harbor ill will towards anyone. If I don’t like you, I don’t engage more than what’s necessary. My baseline is polite. I don’t give my energy to things that don’t feed me. Launch plots against my enemies? Who is worth the investment of time and negative energy? No one is. I don’t have time for revenge. I believe you get what you give. What you put out into the world comes back to you.

After sitting with all of my thoughts, I realized I had to make peace with the situation. Like that situation, when I first heard Sade’s “Keep Looking,” this would be forgotten with time. One could say that maybe I should address the conflict but is resolution possible? At the moment, I don’t think there is. I wish the person well, but I’ve moved on.